I hate bipolar.
It eats me alive. It takes away who I am, and who I want to be. Today I found myself on my kitchen floor in a ball crying. I found comfort in the floor because I felt at least one part of me was supported- the part of me that was pressed up against it, but still.
I can’t blog. The only feelings I have are feelings of helpless. I don’t, can’t, and absolutely refuse to give that vile vomit in my head a voice.
I haven’t told anyone but sometimes I'm crying all the time. Today I screamed out loud, and it was to the wrong person, at the wrong time. I’m overloaded. I am really sick. It hasn't been this bad for five years or so.
David is here keeping me safe, and I am going to see my doctor very soon.
I don’t know when this storm will pass- it will- they all do. But until it does I am going to disappear. No Facebook, no Sparks, no nothing. All of the hard work that I have put out there to make connections- well if they’re there when I get back so be it. If not…I will start from scratch. I love all of my internet friends, and I am sorry that I am out of contact, but I am dead inside, and when you feel as bad as I do it is really hard to be in contact.
I love you all so very much…I get over 1,000 hits a month so I know there are people reading what I write, and I am sorry that I am letting you down for the time being. I just didn’t know that I could get this sick again.
I will be back when my meds are adjusted, and my face prints are no longer on the floor.
7 comments:
Amy I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and hope that your Dr is able to help you level out soon. My husband deals with Chronic Depression and Anxiety so while not the same as Bipolar I can empathize with the pain and disruption of mental health disorders. I will be waiting for when you come back!! *hug*
Hang in there Amy. I'll be happy to see you return. I hope you get things evened out soon. We'll miss ya! ~Jenn
Hoping things get better soon.
I for one, will be here when you return. I feel as if I know you and my heart is hurting for you right now. Please take care of yourself and know that we will still be here when you feel better.
take comfort in knowing that it will pass, it always does. i have mentioned that my mother was bi polar. they didnt have all the wonderful meds that they have now. but i remember telling her as a young child that it would go away because it always did. and she would tell me that helped her a lot. we'll all be waiting for you.
God bless you. Just try to remember it will pass. my sister is going through the same thing now. I am so worried about her.
Amy...never apologize for taking care of yourself. We're happy that your taking time out for you. This is what banding is all about, taking care of ourselves and finally making ourselves a priority in our life.
We'll be here when you get back. Our prayers and hopes are with you to keep you strong and motivated. We'll miss you, but we'll be waiting for you! Vaya Con Dios my friend!
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