Hey I Got A Job....As A Personal Shopper!

Before you ask where I have been; I was abducted by a secret military agency that needed my help in protecting the world from terrible salespeople.

It all started when my brother decided to get married…

My mother was very excited about the upcoming wedding, and she wanted to treat me to something special. I was excited by the fact that I would not be shopping in the ‘moo-department’ for a formal dress. She decided to buy me a dress to wear to this happy occasion. My mother had the brilliant idea that we go downtown and help each other find our perfect dresses. Ahem…I love my mother, but she needs my help in the fashion department much more than I need hers. However, I need more help in the wallet department, so this arrangement worked out beautifully.

Did I say wallet? To me if you spend $80 on a dress you paid too much, but if you found a dress marked down to $80 you got a good deal. Well let’s just say my mother does not subscribe to my price-point ideology. Let’s say she is not one to shop at Macy’s, or even Bloomingdale’s. Bloomingdale’s most expensive dress is the same price as the most marked down dress on clearance in the store she likes. (I just checked Bloomingdale’s website.)

When I checked the price tags of these dresses my heart literally missed a beat. And guess what? WE were going to get dresses from here! I decided maybe she was going to get a dress from here, but I could not do it, as I would have to wear my dress everyday for the rest of my life, and be buried in it to amortize the dress’ cost to a reasonable price. My mother is very generous bless her heart, but what if I spilt something on it? I think I would have a heart attack! No seriously I would.

I have never been in that high-end of a retail establishment; we poor folks tend to shop in the sticks. As a result I was overwhelmed by the bright lights, and the number of salespeople. The only thing I thought was their major downfall was there was no espresso machine. I figure if someone is paying $6,000 for a dress give the person an espresso damn it!

I mentioned that I was from the sticks right? I looked the part too. I had picked out some really cute clothes to go downtown in: lovely shorts, and a really cute top. I used to work downtown, so I know the score. We had been having a heat wave so I made sure I packed shorts, and only shorts. Yeah but the only problem was the next day our heat wave was over. I just packed these stupid made for heat wave clothes. I had to wear my dad’s sweater, my old tennis shoes, and the capri pants I wore last night. (Normally I would have just worn the damn shorts, but it was too damn cold, and it was raining.) I was a mismatched mess. My mother has her own style, which I call: ‘I wear what I want, and I don’t care what you all think. It only matters that I like it.’ As a result she looked a little mismatched too, but that is the norm for her. I forgot to mention my sister was there in a wheelchair looking pathetic, and my daughter was ramming her into the racks due to the fact that she does not have a ‘wheel chair driver’s license’. Yes, we were a motley crew.

So picture this: Four people, who should be shopping at Wal-Mart and using the layaway plan, wander into store where the prices could be for used cars, but instead were for articles of clothing.

(Please don’t touch our stuff, please don’t touch our stuff. Oh damn they are touching our stuff.)
I bet sales ladies drew straws to see which one had to come over to greet us. (God, this was going to be a waste of time!)

My mother spent the next hour picking out dresses, to which MY DAUGHTER had to add to the change room. When my mom was picking out some Oh-So-Lovely-But-Are-You-Kidding-About-These-Damn-Prices-For Dresses; I found my mother some Hey-Since-Your-Crazy-Anyway-Why-Don’t-You-Buy-One-Of-These-Too.

We went into the change room; the sales lady HAD to come with us. I just want you to know that every dress that my mother tried on was ‘amazing’; according to the sales lady, but every dress was ‘crap’ according to me; with the exception of one.

The sales lady thanked me profusely for my opinions. She agreed with my estimations, but she claimed she was not allowed to tell customers that the clothes did not look good on them. WHAT!!! Are you telling me people are spending over $3400 for one outfit…(While my mom was shopping I put together an outfit that’s how come I know the price. It was jeans and a top) … and you have to nod and say, ‘That looks marvellous on you!’

She said it was a good thing I was here to tell my mother the ‘truth’. Whew!

The sales lady asked why my mother was in need of a dress. (My mother was in the change room at the time of our conversation.) I advised the sales lady that we were going to my brother’s wedding.

Sales lady: You must treat yourself at least once in a lifetime

Me: …

Sales lady: After all the hard work your mother has done she deserves something very nice for herself.

Me: ...

Sales lady: She can wear this dress not only to your brother’s wedding, but to Christmas parties, New Years parties, other weddings…

Me: Funerals? I mean she has to get as much mileage out of this dress as possible.

Sales lady: …

My mom finally picked a dress. Wrap it up let’s go home! Wait! it isn’t that simple. In a hooty-tooty establishment there are seamstress’ to make sure the dress is perfect. There is a pull in the dress. We will fix it. Come back tomorrow. Okay.

Mom now wants to take advantage of my sense of style, and try on the other items which I picked out. I am going to tell you up front the other items are cheaper than the dress, but that is a given, right?

At that particular moment I may have looked like a style-fool, but I don’t shop like one. She loves all of the clothes that I have picked out. She’ll take’em. Now I notice that my newest bestest-friend: the sales lady is looking worried. I am surprised. She should be happy, because she just scored a really huge commission, and she didn’t have to do anything. (My daughter added the clothes to the change room, my sister, my mother, and I pick out the clothing, and I sold them. She just stood there making sure we didn’t steal them.)

It dawned on me…she thinks my mother is going to change her mind about the dress! She thinks my mother is poor and can’t afford to buy it all.

Mom: Okay I’ll take all of it

SL: Instead…I will put them on hold and you can THINK about it. Just buy the dress today.

Mom: Why?

Me:(Laughing in my head…this stupid sales lady doesn’t think my mother has a pot to piss in! I don’t know if I should say anything, but I will. My mother isn’t getting why the sales lady doesn’t want her to buy the other clothes too.) I start to laugh out loud…

To the sales lady I say:
…You have a better chance of making this huge sale today then you will tomorrow. I won’t be here tomorrow, and if she tries it all on again tomorrow she might decide to go in another direction

I am still overcome with laughter.

SL: (reluctantly) Okay
(Then it finally dawned her that my mother is a NOT a Wal-Mart-Put-It-On-Layaway-Person). Now the fun began…now we needed accessories, shoes, and expensive jewellery. Nope, nope, and no, sorry lady you had your chance.

My mom laughed when I explained the sales lady’s hesitation to sell her the other clothing. She said that it happens all the time, and it doesn’t bother her; she likes it that way.

I got a dress too. Not from that store. My dress was designer dress. I don’t know how much it was. I purposely didn’t look at the price tags. It was the first designer ANYTHING I have ever owned. I love the dress she bought me. I plan on wearing it to Christmas, New Years, and birthday parties. I think I might wear it to pool parties too. She even bought me silver ballet slippers to go with my dress. The shoes make me feel like a princess.

But you know what was really cool? She also bought me a Calvin Klein t-shirt; you know the one with the rhinestones. It was a regular size LARGE! and it was on sale. (But my mom ended up paying regular price, because the cashier rung it up wrong. I so wanted to go back and fix it, but my mom said ‘Oh well.’)

Dancing David's Parents into the Poorhouse.

Let’s see what has been happening in my life?

David got a new job , and really and truly that is why I have been away. He didn’t start right away so we have been playing this whole entire time. The house has been falling down around us but it hasn’t seemed to bother us in the least.

David is starting his new job on Monday. This is the last step for him in a long road that will take him to an accounting designation. (For me that means a really big house, and big garden; hot damn.) Like I said before he hasn’t started yet, so we had to get him spic-and-span for his new job: a new hair cut, new shirts, new shoes and some new suits. His parents bought the suits as a ‘congratulations’ gift. If I had to dress David he would be wearing potato sacks; do you know how much suits cost? Gulp!

The whole family had to come for the suit shopping event. It was laughable. All five of us stepped into the men’s store in awe; like we were walking into heaven. I think we were overwhelmed. You have to understand that all of us had waited for this moment for a long time- especially David.

The shark, or as some call him a salesman started to circle his prey. I knew the happy gushing was a bad idea. It was like going into the ocean with your legs already cut off.

Usually I am pretty good about getting rid of salespeople, but this time it was harder to do, because the whole family was doing the conga dance down the small isles to the suit section. Our new dance instructor (a.k.a. Shark Boy) was all too please to take us to the expensive suit section, and then for some reason that is where our conga line seemed to end.

I learned 8 things that day that I would like to share with you; just in case you find yourself having to surf the waves of a men’s retail shop.

1. Don’t bring your wife. (Or don't go with your husband.) What? That is so unlike me to say, because I am so pro-me, but in this case I mean what I say. Instead of asking David if he liked the suit Shark Boy insisted that David had no opinion in the matter, because I was going to be the one looking at him. “And we all know ‘She’ has better taste.” (I was waiting for him to call me ‘The Mrs.’


2. There are three people who have to like the suit, and it goes in this order: ‘The Mrs.’, ‘Shark Boy’, and then ‘The Poor Sap’ who has to walk around in the suit. Quote from Shark Boy, “Boom, Boom, Boom!” Pointing to me, then to himself, and then finally to David.


3. Pinstripes are in.


4. Shark Boy says that you must wear colourful suits. I inquired why was his suit was black. I also added for good measure that the nice black suit that he was currently wearing allowed him the opportunity to add a great splashy tie, and a nice shirt. He replied, “I am only wearing black because it is the only suit I own.” Good call Shark Boy!


5. These suits are too expensive for Shark Boy.


6. It is fun to go shopping with the entire family! The whole family was gathered around the small fitting room impatiently waiting for the next fashion show. Since we had nothing better to do one of us would take turn screaming over the fitting room door: “How’s it fit?" or " Honey, is it too small?”


7. When you get to the cash register keep a poker face when you hear the total.


8. And the last thing I learned was this: don’t get on your hands and knees and start worshiping David’s parents in the middle of the store. Worship them outside.