Hey I Got A Job....As A Personal Shopper!

Before you ask where I have been; I was abducted by a secret military agency that needed my help in protecting the world from terrible salespeople.

It all started when my brother decided to get married…

My mother was very excited about the upcoming wedding, and she wanted to treat me to something special. I was excited by the fact that I would not be shopping in the ‘moo-department’ for a formal dress. She decided to buy me a dress to wear to this happy occasion. My mother had the brilliant idea that we go downtown and help each other find our perfect dresses. Ahem…I love my mother, but she needs my help in the fashion department much more than I need hers. However, I need more help in the wallet department, so this arrangement worked out beautifully.

Did I say wallet? To me if you spend $80 on a dress you paid too much, but if you found a dress marked down to $80 you got a good deal. Well let’s just say my mother does not subscribe to my price-point ideology. Let’s say she is not one to shop at Macy’s, or even Bloomingdale’s. Bloomingdale’s most expensive dress is the same price as the most marked down dress on clearance in the store she likes. (I just checked Bloomingdale’s website.)

When I checked the price tags of these dresses my heart literally missed a beat. And guess what? WE were going to get dresses from here! I decided maybe she was going to get a dress from here, but I could not do it, as I would have to wear my dress everyday for the rest of my life, and be buried in it to amortize the dress’ cost to a reasonable price. My mother is very generous bless her heart, but what if I spilt something on it? I think I would have a heart attack! No seriously I would.

I have never been in that high-end of a retail establishment; we poor folks tend to shop in the sticks. As a result I was overwhelmed by the bright lights, and the number of salespeople. The only thing I thought was their major downfall was there was no espresso machine. I figure if someone is paying $6,000 for a dress give the person an espresso damn it!

I mentioned that I was from the sticks right? I looked the part too. I had picked out some really cute clothes to go downtown in: lovely shorts, and a really cute top. I used to work downtown, so I know the score. We had been having a heat wave so I made sure I packed shorts, and only shorts. Yeah but the only problem was the next day our heat wave was over. I just packed these stupid made for heat wave clothes. I had to wear my dad’s sweater, my old tennis shoes, and the capri pants I wore last night. (Normally I would have just worn the damn shorts, but it was too damn cold, and it was raining.) I was a mismatched mess. My mother has her own style, which I call: ‘I wear what I want, and I don’t care what you all think. It only matters that I like it.’ As a result she looked a little mismatched too, but that is the norm for her. I forgot to mention my sister was there in a wheelchair looking pathetic, and my daughter was ramming her into the racks due to the fact that she does not have a ‘wheel chair driver’s license’. Yes, we were a motley crew.

So picture this: Four people, who should be shopping at Wal-Mart and using the layaway plan, wander into store where the prices could be for used cars, but instead were for articles of clothing.

(Please don’t touch our stuff, please don’t touch our stuff. Oh damn they are touching our stuff.)
I bet sales ladies drew straws to see which one had to come over to greet us. (God, this was going to be a waste of time!)

My mother spent the next hour picking out dresses, to which MY DAUGHTER had to add to the change room. When my mom was picking out some Oh-So-Lovely-But-Are-You-Kidding-About-These-Damn-Prices-For Dresses; I found my mother some Hey-Since-Your-Crazy-Anyway-Why-Don’t-You-Buy-One-Of-These-Too.

We went into the change room; the sales lady HAD to come with us. I just want you to know that every dress that my mother tried on was ‘amazing’; according to the sales lady, but every dress was ‘crap’ according to me; with the exception of one.

The sales lady thanked me profusely for my opinions. She agreed with my estimations, but she claimed she was not allowed to tell customers that the clothes did not look good on them. WHAT!!! Are you telling me people are spending over $3400 for one outfit…(While my mom was shopping I put together an outfit that’s how come I know the price. It was jeans and a top) … and you have to nod and say, ‘That looks marvellous on you!’

She said it was a good thing I was here to tell my mother the ‘truth’. Whew!

The sales lady asked why my mother was in need of a dress. (My mother was in the change room at the time of our conversation.) I advised the sales lady that we were going to my brother’s wedding.

Sales lady: You must treat yourself at least once in a lifetime

Me: …

Sales lady: After all the hard work your mother has done she deserves something very nice for herself.

Me: ...

Sales lady: She can wear this dress not only to your brother’s wedding, but to Christmas parties, New Years parties, other weddings…

Me: Funerals? I mean she has to get as much mileage out of this dress as possible.

Sales lady: …

My mom finally picked a dress. Wrap it up let’s go home! Wait! it isn’t that simple. In a hooty-tooty establishment there are seamstress’ to make sure the dress is perfect. There is a pull in the dress. We will fix it. Come back tomorrow. Okay.

Mom now wants to take advantage of my sense of style, and try on the other items which I picked out. I am going to tell you up front the other items are cheaper than the dress, but that is a given, right?

At that particular moment I may have looked like a style-fool, but I don’t shop like one. She loves all of the clothes that I have picked out. She’ll take’em. Now I notice that my newest bestest-friend: the sales lady is looking worried. I am surprised. She should be happy, because she just scored a really huge commission, and she didn’t have to do anything. (My daughter added the clothes to the change room, my sister, my mother, and I pick out the clothing, and I sold them. She just stood there making sure we didn’t steal them.)

It dawned on me…she thinks my mother is going to change her mind about the dress! She thinks my mother is poor and can’t afford to buy it all.

Mom: Okay I’ll take all of it

SL: Instead…I will put them on hold and you can THINK about it. Just buy the dress today.

Mom: Why?

Me:(Laughing in my head…this stupid sales lady doesn’t think my mother has a pot to piss in! I don’t know if I should say anything, but I will. My mother isn’t getting why the sales lady doesn’t want her to buy the other clothes too.) I start to laugh out loud…

To the sales lady I say:
…You have a better chance of making this huge sale today then you will tomorrow. I won’t be here tomorrow, and if she tries it all on again tomorrow she might decide to go in another direction

I am still overcome with laughter.

SL: (reluctantly) Okay
(Then it finally dawned her that my mother is a NOT a Wal-Mart-Put-It-On-Layaway-Person). Now the fun began…now we needed accessories, shoes, and expensive jewellery. Nope, nope, and no, sorry lady you had your chance.

My mom laughed when I explained the sales lady’s hesitation to sell her the other clothing. She said that it happens all the time, and it doesn’t bother her; she likes it that way.

I got a dress too. Not from that store. My dress was designer dress. I don’t know how much it was. I purposely didn’t look at the price tags. It was the first designer ANYTHING I have ever owned. I love the dress she bought me. I plan on wearing it to Christmas, New Years, and birthday parties. I think I might wear it to pool parties too. She even bought me silver ballet slippers to go with my dress. The shoes make me feel like a princess.

But you know what was really cool? She also bought me a Calvin Klein t-shirt; you know the one with the rhinestones. It was a regular size LARGE! and it was on sale. (But my mom ended up paying regular price, because the cashier rung it up wrong. I so wanted to go back and fix it, but my mom said ‘Oh well.’)