(To get full understanding of this entry please read February 10th entry first. This entry won’t make any sense otherwise, and that would be a shame.)
BITCH WATCH 09! has now been upgraded to BITCH HURRICANE 09! The residents of my home have been advised to evacuate the premises for their own safety.
What started out to be a relatively calm day turned in to a nasty storm of epic proportions unlike any I have seen before!
It started because I was feeling a lot better and I decided to get out of my jammies, and put on proper clothes. When I got out of the shower I tried to put on my jeans. My jeans did not button up; in fact the button and the button hole did not even touch. There was a gap, and you could actually see flesh. I had to suck in my tummy to get the jeans to close. (Which by this time my tummy was now being referred to as my gut.) After some pleading, and a strategy known as: “lying down on the bed to get my jeans zipped up” I was able to get the jeans on. However, when I examined myself in the mirror there was a major case of “muffin top”. It was so bad that there were rolls spilling out from the sides of my jeans. There was also another concern: my gut was in pain, so I had to remove the jeans very quickly. I was dumbfounded. I knew that I had gained 2 pounds since falling ill, but “What the hell was this?” I needed more evidence, so I grabbed my measuring tape and measured my waist and you know what? I had also managed to add 3 inches to my waist. Say what?
The storm is now rolling in! Oh yeah; it’s on! Three inches on my waist, and I also noticed that my small spare tire was morphing into a medium tractor tire.
Think, think, think… Where has my band been? Come to think of it I haven’t noticed a full signal since I have gotten this virus. Clouds are overhead- BIG GREY CLOUDS! Has all of this coughing somehow managed to mess up my band in any way?
Wind gust are now at 125 miles per hour, because I had to revert to my PJ bottoms. I had try and figure out why I am expanding. David has taken cover and left the house to go and buy me some yoga pants. I think he is trying to escape BITCH WATCH 09!, but more importantly I know he is trying to prevent THE GREAT DEPRESSION!
(If you have been banded and have had your own serious cough, and you too feared that you had somehow caused damage to your band, but after all the coughing was over, you and your band were fully functional again please leave a comment. It would ease my mind. Also please contact me if you have gained inches in a short amount of time, and you figured out why it happened to you, or you have an idea how to get rid of the excess inches- it would be much appreciated.)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
And Now For the News...
Currently I have been forced to watch so much of the boob tube that I have actually lost IQ points. I know this because I have been bored enough to locate various IQ tests on the internet and thus confirm my suspicion. My beautiful home has taken on a frat house quality to it. In other words my home is messy, dishes are piled up, floors need to be vacuumed, the bathrooms have taken on lives of their own, and the laundry needs doing. (I am almost out of socks and undies. I am very worried.) In addition to these challenges my bum is numb from sitting on it all day and night. The trouble doesn’t end with a mushy mind, a bombed home, or even a bum I can no longer feel; I am still sick.
OMG you know what this means? This is: VIRUS CRISIS 09! (Kind of catchy, huh?) After many years of watching the media I have caught on to something important, and it is this: The folks in the media love to sensationalize EVERYTHING! For instance I was watching the news last night and there was a tiny-weenie bit of snow falling; this “snow” didn’t even dust the grass. It was no big deal. Or so I thought. The local news station was dubbing it: Storm Watch 09! Come on! Really? Honestly? There wasn’t anything better to report on last night? My point is this; if you want to make people sit up and take notice these days you have to come up with a catching two and three word title, and then add the year with an exclamation point with it. Try it for yourself it works. Maybe when you’re at work and the photocopier needs paper you can start informing your colleges that you are in the middle of “The Paper Shortage of 09!” See if that doesn’t get them moving to fix the problem. And another side benefit is maybe my local news station may come down there and do an exclusive on your situation, because after all it is a crisis and you did put an exclamation point at the end, and that seems to be good enough for them.
Getting back to VIRUS CRISIS 09! As you probably can guess I am still under the weather. What started out to be a cold turned into me completely losing my voice, which was kind of cool. I would speak but no sound would be forthcoming. Can you imagine me quiet? Only the next problem sucked so bad that it forced me to go to the doctors. I got an awful sore throat. It was so bad that I had to white knuckle it to swallow.
I hate doctors! Let me tell you why: First there was a two hour wait. I can’t swallow and I am forced to wait two hours behind morons who don’t actually need to be there. There was a mother there who brought her children in to see the doctor because they were tired; only the “tired brats” ran around the office full blast screaming and having a good old time. Then there was this guy who needed a doctor’s note to get off of work because he didn’t feel so hot; however for the two hours he took it upon himself to chat up all of the young ladies. He seemed fine to me. There were people there that did need to see a doctor, so I didn’t begrudge them at all. I just think the most pathetically sick looking people should get to by-pass the line, and yes I felt I looked pathetic enough to go ahead of “Smooth-Talking-Let’s-Try-And-Pick-Up-Chicks-At-The-Doctor’s-Office-Pete.” (I am glad he had to pony up $10 for his doctor’s note!)
The second thing I hate about doctors is that they seem to assume. The doctor I saw did all the doctor things. Checked my throat…yeah it was red and inflamed. Checked my chest and back; no everything looks good there. Then the first words out of the doctor’s mouth was,” You don’t need antibiotics; you have a virus.” I knew that! After all wasn’t he aware that this was VIRUS CRISIS 09! If I thought it was something else I would have called it: STREP INFECTION WATCH 09! I was pissed off that the doctor was ready to pat me on the head and send me out the door with the news that I would have to and I quote, “Fight this one on my own.” I didn’t just spend two hours in the waiting room with two monsters, and Pick-Up-Pete for this. You see I know a secret; I know doctors have the ability to write prescriptions for drugs that are stronger than over-the-counter stuff. (I hadn’t lost IQ points yet.) So after some croaking otherwise known as asking; he finally wrote me out a script for a strong-kick-ass-numb-your-throat-now-you-will-be-able-to-swallow-stuff. See was that so hard? The green stuff he prescribed worked like a charm.
Did I dare say I was on my way to recovery; or was the worse yet to come? I started to feel better, and yes I also started to feel a little smug, because I was just a day away from victory over this silly cold. However my body had other plans…
It started as a cough. (Well these things usually do.) Then it turned into a violent acute cough. David said it sounded like an old car trying to start. My cough seemed to be escalating to ridiculous status. I would cough if I did the following: Stand up, take a step, sit down, move my head, walk, and even breathe. After two days of non-stop coughing I went to the doctor’s again. This time no wait. Same procedure, check me out, no antibiotics. What do I have stupid on my forehead? I am here because I can’t breathe, dummy. I need something for my lungs; I need air. “Oh okay, you need steroids for your lungs to heal.” Bingo! “It won’t work right away, so you can’t start moving until your lungs clear up, and you can move without coughing. Try not to talk, and drink plenty of fluid.” How long will that take? “It could be two weeks or more.” Wait I am going to have to park my butt in my chair for two weeks or more? We are going to have to come up with a different catch-phrase like: Bitch Watch 09!
As it stands today I still am trying to hack out various parts of my lungs when I get up to go to the bathroom. (At times I can spend an hour or more wondering if it is worth it, which by that time it becomes VERY worth it.) I don’t get fresh air because the coldness of the air sends me into a fit. I am spending my days watching my housework pile up, and watching the world go by. Stupid virus.
*For all your information on VIRUS CRISIS 09! and BITCH WATCH 09! keep your eyes on my blog. We will continuously up-date you when and if conditions change.
OMG you know what this means? This is: VIRUS CRISIS 09! (Kind of catchy, huh?) After many years of watching the media I have caught on to something important, and it is this: The folks in the media love to sensationalize EVERYTHING! For instance I was watching the news last night and there was a tiny-weenie bit of snow falling; this “snow” didn’t even dust the grass. It was no big deal. Or so I thought. The local news station was dubbing it: Storm Watch 09! Come on! Really? Honestly? There wasn’t anything better to report on last night? My point is this; if you want to make people sit up and take notice these days you have to come up with a catching two and three word title, and then add the year with an exclamation point with it. Try it for yourself it works. Maybe when you’re at work and the photocopier needs paper you can start informing your colleges that you are in the middle of “The Paper Shortage of 09!” See if that doesn’t get them moving to fix the problem. And another side benefit is maybe my local news station may come down there and do an exclusive on your situation, because after all it is a crisis and you did put an exclamation point at the end, and that seems to be good enough for them.
Getting back to VIRUS CRISIS 09! As you probably can guess I am still under the weather. What started out to be a cold turned into me completely losing my voice, which was kind of cool. I would speak but no sound would be forthcoming. Can you imagine me quiet? Only the next problem sucked so bad that it forced me to go to the doctors. I got an awful sore throat. It was so bad that I had to white knuckle it to swallow.
I hate doctors! Let me tell you why: First there was a two hour wait. I can’t swallow and I am forced to wait two hours behind morons who don’t actually need to be there. There was a mother there who brought her children in to see the doctor because they were tired; only the “tired brats” ran around the office full blast screaming and having a good old time. Then there was this guy who needed a doctor’s note to get off of work because he didn’t feel so hot; however for the two hours he took it upon himself to chat up all of the young ladies. He seemed fine to me. There were people there that did need to see a doctor, so I didn’t begrudge them at all. I just think the most pathetically sick looking people should get to by-pass the line, and yes I felt I looked pathetic enough to go ahead of “Smooth-Talking-Let’s-Try-And-Pick-Up-Chicks-At-The-Doctor’s-Office-Pete.” (I am glad he had to pony up $10 for his doctor’s note!)
The second thing I hate about doctors is that they seem to assume. The doctor I saw did all the doctor things. Checked my throat…yeah it was red and inflamed. Checked my chest and back; no everything looks good there. Then the first words out of the doctor’s mouth was,” You don’t need antibiotics; you have a virus.” I knew that! After all wasn’t he aware that this was VIRUS CRISIS 09! If I thought it was something else I would have called it: STREP INFECTION WATCH 09! I was pissed off that the doctor was ready to pat me on the head and send me out the door with the news that I would have to and I quote, “Fight this one on my own.” I didn’t just spend two hours in the waiting room with two monsters, and Pick-Up-Pete for this. You see I know a secret; I know doctors have the ability to write prescriptions for drugs that are stronger than over-the-counter stuff. (I hadn’t lost IQ points yet.) So after some croaking otherwise known as asking; he finally wrote me out a script for a strong-kick-ass-numb-your-throat-now-you-will-be-able-to-swallow-stuff. See was that so hard? The green stuff he prescribed worked like a charm.
Did I dare say I was on my way to recovery; or was the worse yet to come? I started to feel better, and yes I also started to feel a little smug, because I was just a day away from victory over this silly cold. However my body had other plans…
It started as a cough. (Well these things usually do.) Then it turned into a violent acute cough. David said it sounded like an old car trying to start. My cough seemed to be escalating to ridiculous status. I would cough if I did the following: Stand up, take a step, sit down, move my head, walk, and even breathe. After two days of non-stop coughing I went to the doctor’s again. This time no wait. Same procedure, check me out, no antibiotics. What do I have stupid on my forehead? I am here because I can’t breathe, dummy. I need something for my lungs; I need air. “Oh okay, you need steroids for your lungs to heal.” Bingo! “It won’t work right away, so you can’t start moving until your lungs clear up, and you can move without coughing. Try not to talk, and drink plenty of fluid.” How long will that take? “It could be two weeks or more.” Wait I am going to have to park my butt in my chair for two weeks or more? We are going to have to come up with a different catch-phrase like: Bitch Watch 09!
As it stands today I still am trying to hack out various parts of my lungs when I get up to go to the bathroom. (At times I can spend an hour or more wondering if it is worth it, which by that time it becomes VERY worth it.) I don’t get fresh air because the coldness of the air sends me into a fit. I am spending my days watching my housework pile up, and watching the world go by. Stupid virus.
*For all your information on VIRUS CRISIS 09! and BITCH WATCH 09! keep your eyes on my blog. We will continuously up-date you when and if conditions change.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I Just Wanna Complain.
I am still ill. Can't sleep due to hacking. Ice cream is now gone, so I am in a bad mood. Day-time TV is starting to suck. I am so tired. AHHHHH!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Don't Write While You Sucking on Cough Drops
I am sick; I have a cough due to a cold; or is a cold due to the flu? Let me start with a big smooch and hug to David for being able to endure me while I am needy, and hard to please. Poor feller he has had to endure the task of taking care of me while I sit here trying not to die. (*Drama Queen Alert) Don’t expect this blog to be stellar as I am doped up on Dimetapp.
I haven’t moved from my chair in two days. I have proof. There is an actual indentation of my bum on in the cushion. I know it’s bad. Yesterday I logged in 10 hours of TV, and I don’t dare mention the ice cream that I ate to sooth my cough and achy throat. I was wondering if you burn more calories when you’re sick. Does anyone know? I hope so. My bloated tummy says no, but what does it know. I’d rather hear lies and half truths to ease my guilt.
On a positive note I did finish the hat I was working on. On a negative note it looks like a Smurf would wear it The hat is beige; what was I thinking? My daughter LOVES the hat. She wore it to school today. The hat doesn’t fit her; hell it wouldn’t fit a 20 pound bowling ball- it’s that big. It is so big it covers her eyes, so she has to keep pulling the hat back to see. And the worse part is: It’s ugly. I am too sick to describe it to you, so you just have to take my word on this one. I am in the process of making her a new hat; hoping that I will learn from my mistakes. If I don’t I will have to donate the new hat to the Smurf’s hat drive, and hope I get better.
I am starting to get sleepy, so I am going to take a nap
I haven’t moved from my chair in two days. I have proof. There is an actual indentation of my bum on in the cushion. I know it’s bad. Yesterday I logged in 10 hours of TV, and I don’t dare mention the ice cream that I ate to sooth my cough and achy throat. I was wondering if you burn more calories when you’re sick. Does anyone know? I hope so. My bloated tummy says no, but what does it know. I’d rather hear lies and half truths to ease my guilt.
On a positive note I did finish the hat I was working on. On a negative note it looks like a Smurf would wear it The hat is beige; what was I thinking? My daughter LOVES the hat. She wore it to school today. The hat doesn’t fit her; hell it wouldn’t fit a 20 pound bowling ball- it’s that big. It is so big it covers her eyes, so she has to keep pulling the hat back to see. And the worse part is: It’s ugly. I am too sick to describe it to you, so you just have to take my word on this one. I am in the process of making her a new hat; hoping that I will learn from my mistakes. If I don’t I will have to donate the new hat to the Smurf’s hat drive, and hope I get better.
I am starting to get sleepy, so I am going to take a nap
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