Currently I have been forced to watch so much of the boob tube that I have actually lost IQ points. I know this because I have been bored enough to locate various IQ tests on the internet and thus confirm my suspicion. My beautiful home has taken on a frat house quality to it. In other words my home is messy, dishes are piled up, floors need to be vacuumed, the bathrooms have taken on lives of their own, and the laundry needs doing. (I am almost out of socks and undies. I am very worried.) In addition to these challenges my bum is numb from sitting on it all day and night. The trouble doesn’t end with a mushy mind, a bombed home, or even a bum I can no longer feel; I am still sick.
OMG you know what this means? This is: VIRUS CRISIS 09! (Kind of catchy, huh?) After many years of watching the media I have caught on to something important, and it is this: The folks in the media love to sensationalize EVERYTHING! For instance I was watching the news last night and there was a tiny-weenie bit of snow falling; this “snow” didn’t even dust the grass. It was no big deal. Or so I thought. The local news station was dubbing it: Storm Watch 09! Come on! Really? Honestly? There wasn’t anything better to report on last night? My point is this; if you want to make people sit up and take notice these days you have to come up with a catching two and three word title, and then add the year with an exclamation point with it. Try it for yourself it works. Maybe when you’re at work and the photocopier needs paper you can start informing your colleges that you are in the middle of “The Paper Shortage of 09!” See if that doesn’t get them moving to fix the problem. And another side benefit is maybe my local news station may come down there and do an exclusive on your situation, because after all it is a crisis and you did put an exclamation point at the end, and that seems to be good enough for them.
Getting back to VIRUS CRISIS 09! As you probably can guess I am still under the weather. What started out to be a cold turned into me completely losing my voice, which was kind of cool. I would speak but no sound would be forthcoming. Can you imagine me quiet? Only the next problem sucked so bad that it forced me to go to the doctors. I got an awful sore throat. It was so bad that I had to white knuckle it to swallow.
I hate doctors! Let me tell you why: First there was a two hour wait. I can’t swallow and I am forced to wait two hours behind morons who don’t actually need to be there. There was a mother there who brought her children in to see the doctor because they were tired; only the “tired brats” ran around the office full blast screaming and having a good old time. Then there was this guy who needed a doctor’s note to get off of work because he didn’t feel so hot; however for the two hours he took it upon himself to chat up all of the young ladies. He seemed fine to me. There were people there that did need to see a doctor, so I didn’t begrudge them at all. I just think the most pathetically sick looking people should get to by-pass the line, and yes I felt I looked pathetic enough to go ahead of “Smooth-Talking-Let’s-Try-And-Pick-Up-Chicks-At-The-Doctor’s-Office-Pete.” (I am glad he had to pony up $10 for his doctor’s note!)
The second thing I hate about doctors is that they seem to assume. The doctor I saw did all the doctor things. Checked my throat…yeah it was red and inflamed. Checked my chest and back; no everything looks good there. Then the first words out of the doctor’s mouth was,” You don’t need antibiotics; you have a virus.” I knew that! After all wasn’t he aware that this was VIRUS CRISIS 09! If I thought it was something else I would have called it: STREP INFECTION WATCH 09! I was pissed off that the doctor was ready to pat me on the head and send me out the door with the news that I would have to and I quote, “Fight this one on my own.” I didn’t just spend two hours in the waiting room with two monsters, and Pick-Up-Pete for this. You see I know a secret; I know doctors have the ability to write prescriptions for drugs that are stronger than over-the-counter stuff. (I hadn’t lost IQ points yet.) So after some croaking otherwise known as asking; he finally wrote me out a script for a strong-kick-ass-numb-your-throat-now-you-will-be-able-to-swallow-stuff. See was that so hard? The green stuff he prescribed worked like a charm.
Did I dare say I was on my way to recovery; or was the worse yet to come? I started to feel better, and yes I also started to feel a little smug, because I was just a day away from victory over this silly cold. However my body had other plans…
It started as a cough. (Well these things usually do.) Then it turned into a violent acute cough. David said it sounded like an old car trying to start. My cough seemed to be escalating to ridiculous status. I would cough if I did the following: Stand up, take a step, sit down, move my head, walk, and even breathe. After two days of non-stop coughing I went to the doctor’s again. This time no wait. Same procedure, check me out, no antibiotics. What do I have stupid on my forehead? I am here because I can’t breathe, dummy. I need something for my lungs; I need air. “Oh okay, you need steroids for your lungs to heal.” Bingo! “It won’t work right away, so you can’t start moving until your lungs clear up, and you can move without coughing. Try not to talk, and drink plenty of fluid.” How long will that take? “It could be two weeks or more.” Wait I am going to have to park my butt in my chair for two weeks or more? We are going to have to come up with a different catch-phrase like: Bitch Watch 09!
As it stands today I still am trying to hack out various parts of my lungs when I get up to go to the bathroom. (At times I can spend an hour or more wondering if it is worth it, which by that time it becomes VERY worth it.) I don’t get fresh air because the coldness of the air sends me into a fit. I am spending my days watching my housework pile up, and watching the world go by. Stupid virus.
*For all your information on VIRUS CRISIS 09! and BITCH WATCH 09! keep your eyes on my blog. We will continuously up-date you when and if conditions change.
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