Blood Test

*This blog has not been edited for grammar error due to timing constraints

At the moment I am supposed to be decking the halls- translation: cleaning the house, and acting as a stand-in elf- translation: wrapping two dozen gifts.

The problem with my gift wrapping is that it takes me so long to wrap a gift. I turn into the spawn of Martha Stewart. This year in addition to the fancy paper, the fabric ribbon, expensive gift tags (The Santa gift tag actually has moving legs and arms; how cute is that?) I have added jingle bells to each gift; all different colors, hey you gotta match the bow, right? Every gift has to be perfect. To me presentation is almost as important is the gift itself. I spent all that time picking out the gift and just to put cheap wrapping paper and .10 bow on it would be a travesty to me.

Instead of fulfilling my commitments of wrapping, cleaning, and doing whatever else needs to be done today, I am sitting on my bum blogging.

I haven't lost any weight. I haven't gained any weight either so it isn't all bad.

I have kept to my goals. But I know why my weight is staying stagnant. I had some blood test done figuring that I was a diabetic. I was all ready to give up sugar, but it turns out that my TSH was high, meaning that my thyroid is under active. That explains why I am tired, cold, sad, and my weight gain. What did I say? WEIGHT GAIN! It makes sense. I know that I was not following the perfect lap band diet but I still wasn't stuffing my face, and now that I am exercising and not drinking anything but water and the occasional Starbucks mocha I should be losing at least a little weight. My doctor gave me some pills and assured me that everything would work out. He said I would lose these 10 pounds, and the best part is that I would get my energy back! How great is that? I am so happy.

Remember how I told you that I had blood work done and I thought that I might have been a diabetic? I wasn't. The my results that I DID get...well I wish I was diabetic. During the last year I had 3 other blood test but I never went in for the results. My doctor didn't call so I didn't think anything was wrong. This time I had to go in a week after this test because I had to have my 'lady examination'. This time I did get my blood work results. It was crappy.

*Never get blood work done before the holidays. I figured out that December 27 is a good day because you probably won't get the results back until after the new year. I am just saying...

It turns out that my kidneys are failing. Shitty. I'll say it again- shitty. I am at 56% at the moment. The challenge is that my kidneys have lost 30% function in the last year. I am not going to go into all the medical crap.

I can't believe this happened. I already signed up for the mental illness thing. I shouldn't have to do both. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I mean, I just want to say, 'Really?' Okay, now I am moving on to getting this under control. I am now in the process of turning my life upside down to change my entire diet and now I HAVE to exercise. This now became a life or death matter. Just to let you know I got the lap band to avoid a premature death, so there is no way that I am going to let this thing win. I don't want to have to a kidney transplant, or be on dialysis; that would really suck. There is no way I am changing the name of this blog to: 'I REALLY WANT A KIDNEY.' So bring it on. I am ready. I am staying positive, but next year I am going on December 27th to get my blood work.

Weight Gain Sucks...Blogging Silently

I am so sorry that I have not been here in forever. I could give you a lot of intelligent reasons, but the real reason is I got an iPhone and I have been playing games on my phone. Shame on me. I have been blogging in my head almost everyday, and the blogs have been execellent. You would've have loved them. Some of my best work happens in my head; if only I could attach a cable from laptop to my brain.

I just want to start my blog with: it's Christmas time again! The Starbucks red cups are out again. I love those red guys. It's the little things that make me the happiest.

I don't know what to blog about because I have blogged everyday about everything in my head...

Alright, it's time to come clean. I am a little depressed. I managed to gain some weight in the last year. I can't seem to take it off either.

Maybe that is because I am drinking high calorie beverages. I seem to think it is okay for me to be indulging in eggnog, fruit punch rock star's, hot chocolate with whipping cream, juice, and soda- and my friends, I am not partaking in diet soda, nope it's high fructose all the way!

And if we are admitting things I should tell you that I have turned in to a big blob. Exercise, what is that? It's too cold, it's too hot, it's raining, I'm too tired to go to the gym, I'm too busy playing games on my iPhone, there isn't enough blog space to list all of my stupid reasons.

Lastly, I can change my blog name to: I HAVE HAD A LOT OF COOKIES! Enough said.

So don't feel sorry for me and my spare tire; I earned it. Even with the band, which is just a tool I found ways to sabotage myself. After thought, mediation, and looking at my bank account realizing I have spent $25,000 to look hot damn. I can not throw it away. Mainly it came down to the cash, but hey whatever motivates me to change is a good thing.

Beverages, and cookies have been removed from home, and I today exercised, I wished for the Bodybugg from Santa, and I think he will come through, and I still have my band which I had serviced a few weeks ago. I think I am ready to go. Goodbye iPhone, hello iPod.

Then and Now...I Am Going To Make It To The Finish LIne

So it has been like forever since I have laid eyes on my blog. I guess I have kind have let it go. You know when times are good you want to share your life with the world, but when things seem shitty you want to crawl under a rock and hide...well I hid under a very big rock.

Here is my life since: 2007-

I went and got me a lapband. Lost a bunch of weight. (Thumbs up. Wrote a lot in my blog, 'cus life was coming up good!)

2008- I was put on a new drug to control my bipolar; weight loss came to a halt. I was ashamed-didn't want to leave the house. Sure I wasn't going bonkers, but I was depressed. Spent my time watching daytime TV, dieting, working out on a treadmill, and wondering what the hell was keeping me from losing weight.

-2010 the same stuff was going on but I have just seem to get worse. Thought if I got a tummy tuck I would feel better. Not so much. In fact felt worse than ever.

2010 - 2011- I have done nothing! No treadmill, no nothing. Lost my will to survive.

Well that was until today...

I am so tired of being tired. I am more beaten down now then I was when I was 250 pounds. I had a better attitude then too; I remember being happier. I am so tired of being down on myself. I can't do it anymore. Today is the day where I fight back. Today is the day when I remember who I am and that means I remember how tough I am!

I have gained weight- of course during this past year. Duh! About 10 pounds. I need to lose about 15 pounds to make a difference in my appearance or my tummy tuck will have been for nothing. I used to make Youtube videos but I'm so ashamed of my appearance that I just can't do it.

It is time to come out of hiding and make my dreams come true. I didn't come this far to be defeated.

This blog is called I REALLY WANT A COOKIE- and that is really what I want: a cookie, a cake, some ice cream, maybe a cheese burger, well the list goes on and on... But for the next 5 days my short-term goal is to cut out all sugar from my diet. That will means I will have to refrain from drinking Starbucks mochas, and enjoying all the sugary snacks that I love so much. I will also be participating in some form of exercise each day this week. The last thing I will do is journal my feelings here.

Right now I am scared. I don't want to give up the sugar and I don't want to move my lazy butt anywhere, but the thing about it is: I don't want to be so close to the finish line and stalled just out of reach. I want to accomplish my goals. I want to believe in myself. I want to believe I have the willpower, the self-control, the self-confidence, inner strength, and the love for myself to get to the finish line.

My current weight is 173.8. It was 168.2 just 3 weeks ago, but I went on a sugar

binge. I guess I hit rock bottom...

Let's get this party started.

The picture on the left is

what I looked like last summer before I gained 10 pounds.

The picture on the right is what I look like today.

Monday

I’m supposed to be at the gym today; as a matter of fact-right now. I went there in my mind I imagined the workout equipment, the cardio machines, and the weights. I figure I did such a good job imaging that I can forgo the actual ‘going’ part. Instead I will do some cardio on my treadmill which at the moment I prefer. I’m supposed to go to the gym Thursday maybe my memory won’t be so great then I will have to go.

Small steps… Last week I wouldn’t even have entertained the thought of going to the gym.

Amy in Wonderland

My home enables me to stay put and not go outside. You see I have a nice home; it is nicely decorated, calm, clean, and very relaxing. When people come over they give me the greatest compliment by saying that I have a home that is comfortable. Really? Of course it is, I have spent a lot of time and effort making my island of solitude wonderful. It is going to be hard to give up lounging about in my wonderland. I’m just being honest.

However, it is day three of the Amy Improvement Project. I feel like I’m going in the right direction.

Yesterday I took Holly to the doctors; yeah but, the ‘yay moment’ was that I walked there. Before this I would have only walk around my block, over, and over, and over, and over again. I have done many 10k walks just walking around my block. I fear my neighbors think I’m crazy, and they’re mostly right. But yesterday I walked 5k to Holly’s doctor who was not located on, or anywhere near my block. I had to walk through town to get there. I did it. To celebrate Holly and I went to… yup you guessed it…Starbucks to celebrate. She didn’t know we were celebrating but I did.

Today the weather is very grey outside. These are my favorite days, because I can justify not having to go anywhere, or do anything. I just sit back and relax. Today will be no different however I am going to stretch out my comfort zone inside my house. I’m going to prepare dinner. I hate cooking so much I would rather stick toothpicks in my eyeballs. But I’m going to cook anyway because I want to feel accomplished, even today.

I’m going to sign off and go walk on my treadmill and while I walk I will think about what I will make for dinner.

I'm Finally Getting Out Of The House- kinda, sorta, maybe, well at least online...

2010 is over!!!!

I’m doing a happy dance. I dare say that the year that just passed has been a very challenging year for me.

I just didn’t feel well. I have not been taking care of myself the way I know I should be. I have very little of my energy, I willingly became housebound, I have been in physical pain for long periods of time, and I have lived under a cloud of depression for what seemed like the whole of 2010. As a result of all of this I believe that this is why I gained seven pounds.

Becoming a hermit was the absolute worse. I never understood why some people couldn’t just go outside. ‘Come on; just walk out your door. It’s no big deal.’ Now I feel like I’m living in a parallel universe; I went from a doing-everything-living-life-person to what I am today which is a person who prefers to stay inside out of fear. Irony is a bitch. I’m so pissed off because I don’t want to be in this prison of my own design, I never wanted to be. I have friends and a life to live. I need to get back to it.

What I found odd is when I became a recluse to the outside world; I was difficult for me to be online. I no longer wanted to blog, post on my cherished sites, or even Facebook my friends.

I do not believe it’s too late for me. My desire for change runs very deep in me and I have a lot of determination to not let this get the best of me.

I have started to take vitamins and iron for my anemia, which will greatly improve my energy. I have also decided to eat healthier this year, and put together a doable exercise program to help any physical pain. But my must do in 2011 is to change my life back; I want to be free again, paroled this year. The first step is to start posting and blogging. I need to re-enter society.