Down the Wishing Well

I seem to have the “Alice in Wonderland” syndrome. I don’t mean to keep disappearing but it has been a hectic summer for me.

Not to complain but my BP has acting up, so my doc increased my meds, which has made me a little “slow”. It has taken me a while to get back to old myself. Apparently my newest latest greatest thing is night-time-amnesia. I am totally not kidding! I can not remember anything that happens an hour before I go to sleep. I seem perfectly normal; I talk, I clean, I watch TV, ect. Last night for instance: David and I were packing things for our daughter to take camping. The first time I packed her I packed too much stuff, because I believe that you must have all the comforts of home when camping. Even if that means you have no where to sit, because your luggage takes up too much room- that’s too damn bad! My dad who is in charge of the motor home did not share my views, so as a result I was forced (against my will) to re-pack. David and I sat down to re-pack her; only it was late at night, so I took my bedtime meds right before we started.

This is what happened according to David…

We repacked for Holly’s trip. Apparently I removed two pairs of bottoms, which is important because now she only had four pairs of pants for twelve days. I left in all of the twenty different tops, which according to my math would have been smarter to remove a few of those babies instead of the pants. I took out the one pair of black socks, stating that the socks didn’t match anything she was taking with her. I also removed quiet a few of her books, which is bad because I removed the first book in a two part serious, but I left the second one. Now she won’t be able to read that book. What was I thinking? I also decided in the process of packing that I needed a big glass of milk…I have no idea, so don’t ask. After that I passed out on the couch. According to David.

This has been happening for a few weeks now. The last thing I remember is taking my meds and then waking up in the morning. It is kind of a pain, because I miss big chunks of my night. David and I have conversations that I have no memory of. I don't recall television programs. Nada. Zip. Nothing. The good news is I am writing this blog entry at 16:05 so I am fully awake and aware. Or am I?

It seems that every corner I go around there are more diagnoses, and illnesses to tack on. I guess that one illness to battle is not enough for me. Instead of pulling the covers over my head I do more cognitive therapy and they add on more medicine that I take. There are so many days that I don’t feel well that I can’t even go on the internet. I don’t know if I will ever feel as good as I once did before my break (Doctors use the word “break” instead of “mental-break-down”. I think they think it lessens the blow. But it really doesn’t.) I have spent too many days trying to recover. I have spent too many moments feeling guilty about sapping precious energy and time from my little family. I just want to get well, and maybe eat a few delicious cookies along the way. (Don’t get me started on the weight gain the meds cause!)


I really don’t want to turn this blog into a place where I complain about having a mental illness. I live with it every day. I fight it everyday. Because of that I want you to see the little things in my mind that are just me. . I don’t want anyone to read this and feel sorry for me. I have a great life with a great family who battles this battle with me everyday. I am one of the lucky ones. My journey is the road less travelled.

I have so much I want to say to you…a lot has happened in the last two months.