1200 minutes of Free"dumb".

Free isn’t always best. Let me think of something that I wouldn’t mind getting free.

I thought for exactly 7 minutes…

Well not including the obvious such as Starbucks, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and gifts. I fail to think of anything else. It seems that what you pay for is what you get. “Oh hey look this blouse is 95% off! I can’t believe my luck. Hey why is there 50 of them on the rack?” It’s because that 95% discounted shirt sucked. Nobody wanted it. Most likely it made people look fat, and who would buy one of those? "But 95% is such a deal…" Okay it’s your closet space, but don’t say I didn’t warn you! I realize the shirt was paid for and not free, BUT it will be free for person who gets it second hand. “Do I look fat in this free shirt? Crap I hate Free-Fat-Shirts I would rather have Fat-Free-Shirts. I would pay a fortune for one of those.”

As you know I have a daughter and sometimes David and I take advantage take of what we like to refer to as “Free Babysitting via Sleepovers”. It is simple enough, David and I go to the store and pick up a kid approved dinner, chips, soda, and some candy. (We totally rock in the parent department!) We feed them their requested dinner, and send them downstairs to do whatever kids do. From time to time they emerge to get more soda, but they are still self-maintaining. David and I sit back and watch TV. It is perfect arrangement for the cost of a DVD, and $3 worth of bulk candy we get the title “Most Awesome-est Parents Ever!” (I know we have to pay for dinner and candy, but we would have to feed her anyway, so it doesn’t count.)

Last night we hit a snag…it was called: It-is-Time-to-Settle-up-Your-Babysitting-Account-Because-Nothing-is-Free-Baby. What-Did-You-Think;-You-Would-Get-to-Ride-Easy-Street-Forever?

Holly asked to have a sleepover last night. I said yes, and David and I high-fived each other, because we knew we were going to be able kick up our feet and relax. Not so much.

It all started with the tween blockbuster movie Twilight. Actually the issue was more about the lead male actor. (I am not making this up…) You see my daughter and her friend watched the “special features” and I guess it was revealed that during the “making out scene the lead actor was so “into” the female lead actress he fell off the bed during the make-out scene. This “fact” of the apparent true love between the two actors outside of the realm the movie caused this 11 year old so much trauma that she went into a screaming fit which also included crying, thumb sucking, and rocking back and forth.

After a few minutes we managed to calm her down, but only after the promise she could go and visit her mom. She called her mother, but her mother wasn’t home. It turned out that her mom had “taken the night off”. Apparently I am not the only parent that knows about this free babysitting thing. When our darling guest was able to reach mom via her cell phone she found out that her mom was having a lovely time at a restaurant with friends. The fact that her mom had a life outside of her “mommy responsibilities” made our thumb sucking pal very upset, but she let it go, and hung up the phone.

Whew…That was close; anyways back to the carefree sleepover. Things were going well. That was until dinner. Dunt..dunt..dunt..dun..

First of all I don’t know if this was our mistake or if it was fate, but at any rate I refuse to point fingers. It was Holly’s fault! She is the one who poured the drink of doom; she gave our manic visitor Dr. Pepper! (For shame Holly for shame.) All four of us were having a nice enough dinner, but that was until our friend asked (more like demanded) for more Dr. Pepper. David and I said, “No.” I know! Can you imagine? We hardly say no. We don’t have to say it often because Holly is very reasonable, and doesn’t ask for anything outlandish. If we do say no, she is accepts it. The only reason we laid the hammer down is because if she had had more soda there would not have been enough for later. I guess our company doesn’t respect the word “no” because she had a tantrum. I am not kidding she had a full blown tantrum that a two year old would have had to applaud to for being so dead on accurate. David and I were not faced with a challenge like this before. You see Holly NEVER had tantrums of such epic proportions. (She just hated her stupid bed at nap time, but after a minute or so of a discussion she was up sleeping in her stupid bed.) The tantrum we were faced with was a 10 out of 10 for drama. She staged a sit-in inside our fridge, she cried, she screamed, she kicked, she even got the bottle of Dr. Pepper and ran around the kitchen, and some other things that I have managed to block out. As parents we didn’t cave and we won, she didn’t get any Dr. Pepper. (Calm heads prevail. Plus we couldn’t do anything to her, because she didn’t belong to us.)

Like any good hosts we moved into the living room for some good after dinner conversation. (Truth be told David and I were thinking that the girls would retreat downstairs-no luck. I knew we should have gotten rid of the all extra furniture in the living room. Two chairs are all we need.)

First she put on a “show” for us in which she danced, and sung (Did I say sung? I meant screamed) very loudly. I was afraid we were going to get a noise complaint. We asked her to cease and desist, but that just made it worst. We could not send her home; because her mom went A.W.O.L. (At that point I couldn’t blame her?)

I suggested we bring out my Cookie Monster life size puppet. That guy is so cool. He looks like the real one. You can move his hands, head, and mouth. I mean you can actually shake Cookie Monster’s hand. How cool is that? Usually we bring the blue guy out to entertain people. David has perfected the monster’s voice; the only thing we are missing is the brick wall for David to hide behind. Kids love it, but adults love it more. The adults actually interact with Cookie Monster as if he was the real deal. David says it because most of friends our GEN-Xers, and therefore we grew up watching Sesame Street on PBS.

Anywhoo- We brought out my best-est puppet, but you know what? The “monster girl” attacked it! She beat him up. She tried to pull off Cookie’s eyes, break his mouth, and kept punching him. We tried to put him away, but she was so disrespectful she would pull him down and attack him some more. I finally took him away and gave her my best “evil eyes”, and only then did she leave my toy alone.

Holly took her guest downstairs but not before having a conversation with me. I felt so bad for my girl. She had tears in her eyes. Here I was thinking about myself; I had forgotten that my daughter was being forced to deal with her friend. How terrible she must’ve been feeling during all of this

We hatched a plan: I told Holly to go downstairs and tell her friend that she (Holly) is in so much trouble that if she (Holly) and her guest do not stop acting up that she (Holly) will never be allowed a sleep over never-ever-ever again. I (meaning me) am so mad. She (Holly) has never seen me this mad before. I told her keep crying because it would look more devastating as she delivered the news. About 10 minutes my daughter came up all smiles and gave me thumbs up.

We finally got peace; but it was freedom with a price. It is 11:33 in the morning and David and I are tiptoeing around the house. We do not want to wake the girls up. I am hoping- no praying that they stay asleep for another hour or so, because 1:00pm is time of departure. “See ya, thanks for comin’!”

I know there is something wrong with this picture. I know that I should be concerned, and not so interested in my need for comfort. I know this is not an excuse but I am ill-equipped to take on an endeavour to get to the bottom of this-if there is a bottom. She has been our guest before and we have not had this kind of drama before. I am left speechless. Can you image me speechless? I guess it does happen…

*At the time of posting of this blog they did wake up. My daughter looks awful, in fact she looks like a bus ran her over. 4 minutes and counting...