Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate my Cat.

Let’s face it some people are dog loves and some are cat lovers. But people who love cats seem to be on the stranger side of the scale. I have never heard the saying, “Crazy Old Dog Lady.” Cat people have mugs, bumper stickers, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and other paraphernalia proclaiming such quotes as:

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."

I could go on and on, but you get my point. A dog lover worth their salt doesn’t own clothing, or mugs with sayings about our dogs. We already know that our dogs kick ass; and as a result we don’t feel the need to advertise.

If you haven’t figured it out yet- I am a dog lover! My husband was a dog lover too. We got along just fine. I thought this marriage was going to be smooth sailing. We agreed on money matters, religion, how to raise a child, and our choice of pets. The deal was sealed; down the isle we went. Dum-dum-de-duummm...

We made ourselves a home, brought a beautiful daughter into the world, David let me buy things, (That was the money matters part.), we bought a house, and then we topped it off with a sweet puppy. Those were the good times in our life.

Then as a family we met this down on his luck cat that needed our help. We decided to save his life. His name is Ringo. (His name is very fitting, and in a moment you will understand why.) (For the record I was not too wild about this cat thing, but I like saving lives.)

The Reasons I Hate My Cat:

He sheds all over my black clothes. Since we took him into our home if I want to wear black I have to get in to a large Ziplock bag, to ensure my nice black outfit doesn’t get covered with orange cat hair. Do know how hard it is to find a human size Ziplock bag? Safeway doesn’t carry them. (That is #1)

He believes my sofa corners are the perfect place to scratch. I have bought him scratching post after scratching post trying to find one to his liking. I have bought sprays that will deter him from his furniture wrecking behaviour, but he still insists that massive cat-wear-and-tear is a great look for our living room décor. (This is the 2nd reason)

During the summer when it gets warm; we like to open our sliding glass door, but we don’t like the bugs that invite themselves in, so we invested in a expensive screen door. (It was only expensive because we had to get it custom made to fit.) When our lovely shedding, furniture destroying, cat decides that he wants to soak up some sun he request to go on the patio. If we don’t open the screen door within two seconds he will use his sharp claws to open the screen door himself. (He is oh-so dexterous!) And you know what happens? He rips the netting on the screen door, because apparently the guy who made the screen door did not anticipate on cat claws as a means to open the screen. (I think this is a good third reason.)

(This one is so big that it covers 4-10!)
He stole my wedding ring that is worth thousands and thousands of dollars!

Here the tragic story:
My ring was too big to fit my finger because I had lost weight. One day it fell off of my finger, and one of the smaller diamonds came out. I decided not to get it sized just yet, because I still planned on loosing more weight. I put my rings along with the loose the diamond in a Ziplock bag. I hate not having my wedding set; it makes me feel “single. I decided to get it sized down. I went to get the rings; but the only problem was the rings were gone. After a whole bunch of swearing I went to work looking for my rings. I am not exaggerating when I say I looked for two days with only 3 hours of sleep. I was frantic.

Then I got an idea: I thought maybe the family cat had something to do with the missing rings disappearance. I concocted a plan: I took another ring similar to my wedding band, and put that ring in an ever famous Ziplock bag. Then I put the bag and its sparkly contents on the counter. I left the (BAD) kitty to his own devices and my new ring was “misplaced” in a new spot courtesy of the cat.

On the day that my wedding band went missing it was a sunny day and I had the sliding glass door open. I believe he took my expensive ring on a “trip”. Because lets face it “Hey, diamonds sparkle more in the sunshine!”

The missing ring has been missing for over one week now. My cat “Ring-Go” made my ring go out the door! I knew we should have named him Too-Lazy-To-Move, or I-Will-Not-Destroy-Your-Furniture-Or-Steal-Your-Ring.

Because of my cat I can not wear slimming black clothes, have furniture that can be featured in Better Homes and Gardens, cool down the house in the summer without bugs, or wear my wedding set which I love more than you can imagine.

I don’t think I would be so mad if my cat looked even a little sorry, but he doesn’t. He has that, “What?” look on his face. I want to assure you that I have not done anything evil to my can-mainly because I am hoping he brings the ring back. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought about selling him on EBay for a penny with free shipping.

I will continue to search my house. I will continue not to think about where my ring will be, but that is only because I have no idea where it would be. I offered the neighbour kids a $100 reward if they can find my ring. That about covers it! Poop- David says if I give away the cat I have to give away the dog too! Is there no justice? Wait, I know! For Christmas next year I am going to buy him a sweatshirt with a crazy cat saying on, and make him wear it! That will teach him to mess with me and my dog!

CRAZY OLD CAT MAN!