Happy Birthday Dear David

I have had a lot on my plate in the last few weeks. David turned 40! (Right on David! Congratulations for living this long!) Maybe not, he is okay with the fact that he is becoming a “mature adult”, but I am not. Forgive me when I say that 40 seems so old. What happened to 20? We met when he was 21, and he never told me that he was going to turn 40. That is called false advertising. I didn’t know he had fine print, and I didn’t know that I was suppose to read it. I know you will find this hard to believe, but I was as shallow then as I am now. If I thought this whole David aging thing through; I might’ve just “leased” him for 8 years. (You know like a car.) Yeah but the only problem with leasing is- you have to make the “lease” or “buy” commitment at the time of purchase. And as far as boyfriends go he was (and still is) a Ferrari, so how could I not buy him? Who wants to “lease” a Ferrari? (Only a complete dumbass-that’s who.) Wait! Don’t Ferraris get more valuable with age? Yes they do! Too bad he isn’t a car. I don’t want to give you the wrong impression-too late. I would not trade David in; even for a newer Ferrari. My Ferrari is exactly the way I want it to be.

It is really not his age that paralyzes me- it’s my age! (Yes it does always come back to me.) My thinking is this: If David turned 40 then I will turn 40 in 5 years and 3 weeks. I am not ready to be 40 yet! I am running out of time.

I don’t care about wrinkles, or grey hair. (Truth: I do color my hair and wish I didn’t have wrinkles, but I am trying to make a point!) Being 40 scares me, because I have been waiting for the “perfect” time to start “living”. If I don’t get my butt into gear than I will spend the next 40 years of my life perfecting on being the ultimate online solitaire player. I can’t let life pass me by. I need to spend the next 5 years 3 weeks perfecting other interests that will fulfill my life, so by the time I turn 40 I will be an expert at “living my life to the fullest, and I won’t be afraid to have adventures.” I am going to tell you a secret: I am scared. Playing solitaire is so much easier.

Here is my plan: I am going to raise money for a new espresso machine for my birthday, because I think better under the influence of caffeine. I am going to make a list of the things that I want in my future. I already know one thing: I want a big back yard full of hydrangeas and cherry blossoms. I need a plan, because I need to get moving on this “mid-life crisis” that I am having on behalf on David. I am a wonderful person, because how many people would have a mid-life crisis for their partner? What? A Drama Queen? Shut up!