Anyone Got A Light?

I have been trying to write for a few days, but I am hitting a wall. I think it is because I haven’t been dealing with something that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I am so tired of keeping it bottled up that the pressure has caused my whole body to be exceptionally tired. Even my fingers are tired they feel as if I clenching them for two weeks straight. What I am about to say is personal. I don’t know who reads my blog, maybe no one does, but I have to say it anyway…

Last month a dear friend and I broke off our relationship. I decided that it would be in our best interest to go our separate ways after receiving an email from her. She was upset about my weight loss surgery, and the changes I was expressing. I believe she likes me better overweight. She said that she wasn’t ready to support me, and didn’t know if or when she would be ready to support me. We were friends since we were children, and I thought we would friends until our dying day. There is a lot of “baggage” on both of our parts that finally come to pass. I have to admit my dreams of forever were just pipe dreams.

My other friends and family who understand the history between my friend and I are happy to see us part company. In fact they are all relieved. I am sure most of their anger is in part due to the pain I have exhibited during the last few weeks. But here is the rub: while everyone is having a ticker-tape-parade about our separation- I am here feeling heartbroken. It is hard for me to find anyone to talk to, because most people that I confide in have a hard time containing their happiness. It is hard to talk to someone when they are thrilled that you cut someone out of your life that they deemed toxic. However I want to scream, “What about my pain? Like her or not- she was a big part of my life, and I happen to think she was special.”

Am I supposed to pick myself up and move on? Yeah, because that is what I have done. I am working out, taking care of myself, keeping busy, and planning a party. I am doing what is expected of me.

I would have been fine, except someone important to me told me that this could have been avoided if I had just protected myself. Apparently, I am too open, thereby leaving an opportunity for people to hurt me. I need to keep secrets. For instance: if she never knew about my surgery then we could still been friends. In short: I need to keep secrets from all of you. I need to refrain from showing you how happy I am, because it may cause some of you to blow out my light. Knock me down. I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, because it makes me vulnerable. Because of the “event” and this conversation my spirit feels ripped apart. I want to cry, because if this is what I have to do to protect myself then what is the point? To me life is about experiences and happiness. I have had so much joy robbed from me in the last three years; that every little bit I get is a gift. I don’t want to hide it away like a miser; I want to share it with the world! What I have a hard time understanding is this: I don’t want to hurt other people. My intentions are to light to other people’s burnt out candles; not to stomp it out. I thought most people shared my values. Now I feel stupid, lonely, confused, but I am still determined to get through this.

As for my friend and I…we can never have a relationship again. I know when things are not good for either of us, and this relationship was not healthy. I wish somebody would understand how much this is hurting, and no be so damn happy with the fact she is gone. I know in time I will find a proper perspective for this special past relationship, and it will be something that I can take with me on my journey. Her voice will always be with me, and her goodness will always be in my heart. I wish she could have loved me thick or thin.

I am just telling everyone who is reading this that I am refusing to cover up my light! If you want to stomp on it; I say bring it on, because I am stocking up on matches! To the person who criticizes my heart on my sleeve, if you don’t like it…there is the door! I don’t feel better yet, but I am a fighter, so don’t worry too much about me.