I Wish This Was Just the Flu.

I have never shared while I have been in the throws of my mental illness until now. This entry is difficult to write due to how I am feeling.

Very recently I have been non-compliant with my medication. This has been the only time since I was diagnosed as a bi-polar that I have veered off of my medications. I have a whole list of reasons why I did what I did. The main reasons I took myself off of my stabilizing medication was: The drug caused me to shake and twitch. It caused word aphasia, which was very frustrating. The best way I can describe word aphasia is like this; English became a second language to me. I would be talking about our dishwasher and I could not say the word dishwasher. I knew what the dishwasher was, but I didn’t know the word for dishwasher. After a few agonizing seconds it would come to me, and sadly sometimes it wouldn’t. I would have to do a lot of pointing and someone would have to say the word for me. On average this happened 5 to 10 times a day. (Which is too much.) I could still write the words I was just unable to say the words. Sometimes I gaited instead of walked. I did tell my doctor, but I have already tried the other drugs that are available and I any had very little success or worse yet it caused massive weight gain. (Massive weight gain has caused me deep depression that in the past I have found myself admitted into a hospital.) So taking this medication seems like the lesser of the evils. I should also mention that I have cerebral palsy, and so the doctors have to be extra careful about what meds they prescribe. I hate the meds that I have to take, but I am a rapid cycle bipolar, which means without proper meds I can go up and down several times per day. I have tried to “get off” of my meds, and try more holistic approaches, but that just landed me in the hospital again.

The medication greatly improves the quality of my mental conditions. However, the downsides are the side effects. I feel tired, stupid, unfocused, sleepy, and nauseous. When it was time to take The evil drug I would put it down the garbage disposable when no one was looking. The nasty drug’s side effects mimicked the Parkinson’s side effects. I am back on it as of this morning. Do I feel hopeless and lost? No. For I understand that the way things are; is just part of my current reality.

Just so you know I did not try to do anything stupid last night. I was just on a reckless high, which I recognized to be a problem before it actually got to be a bigger problem. As a result I was medicated with drugs to bring me back down, and that is why I am in a hazy state.

*This blog will not be edited for content, grammar, or flow.