My next quest for beauty is to have a tummy tuck. I am going to lipo my muffin top. I wish I could also get rid of my bat wings and give lift to my “merchandise” a.k.a. “The Girls”.
However the thought of the pain scares me badly. I am not a big fan of discomfort. If I get a hangnail I bitch about it for days on end. Can you imagine what I’ll be like when I get a tummy tuck, lipo, and maybe some lifts? I already feel sorry for those around me. Let me give David and Holly some advice: Hire “stand-ins” for a month and go to Hawaii.
I had my lapband surgery in October of 2007. I thought it was only going to hurt a little bit, because the pamphlet said, “Minimally Invasive.” - Minimally invasive my butt. I was in so much pain. I woke up the day after surgery and thought to myself, “What the hell did I just do?” Getting better was very time consuming. My stomach muscles took months to heal. Minimally invasive…false advertising is what I call it.
The surgeons who are performing the tummy tucks are a little more honest, because they tell you that the tummy tuck is going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. Ouch! They tell you that moving around for the first week is going to be as uncomfortable as pulling off your toenails with pliers. They also recommend that you limit moving as much as possible. No problem there, Doc. The surgeons even send you home with a fanny pack full of pain meds that go straight to your tummy. (How bad can the pain be if they have to send you home with a fanny pack? Uh… pretty eff-ing bad if you get a fanny pack as your take home gift.) They tell you that you will need around the clock care for one week. (Run David, run.) They warn you that you may have drains. What the hell are drains? All I know is that drains sound painful.
“Hey what’s that coming out of the side of your body?”
“Oh those things; don’t pay any attention to those. Those are just my drains. Yeah they come free with every tummy tuck. Just like the free toy that comes with every Happy Meal. Really I am thrilled to have them. Look I can see how much fluid is coming out of my stomach. They’re cool huh? Hey where are you going?”
I feel sorry for you guys, because when my pain crisis hits all I am going to do is complain and moan in my blog entries. I will have to change my blog title to: I Really Want Pain Meds, and a Cookie.
The good news is that I have to wait for a while before I can hop on the operating table. I have to lose about more 20 pounds. The doctors want me to be at my target weight, before they operate. I set my target weight at 135, but because I was never 135 as a teenager or as an adult we picked 150, which is, I feel is the best weight for me.
I am on a mission to lose 20 pounds. (Insert Mission Impossible theme song.) I am going to lose a pound a week. I need a cheering squad, determination, and a loan
2 comments:
i love your writting style. A pound a week.......... that is duable and you CAN do it..... you seem just stubborn enough to do it........ so go do it
Alright....I can't give you the loan and I'm not even sure if I can "be there" for your when you have that tummy tuck (it just sounds so awful!)...okay, I'll try...but, I'm such a wimp....can't you just buy spanx? Drains and pains and meds and blood and gore....OOOOH!
Anyway....regardless of those things, I promise you--I can wallop you with motivation and all that jazz. And, I've got those pom-poms....so I can cheer you on!!! 20 pounds. No problem when you've got your posse....
Think about the spanx....8-)
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