Someone once said to me, ‘Figure out if you want a life, or if you don’t, but either way make up your mind.’ It was my physician. I know that sounds harsh, but I was depressed at the time, and I was stuck in-between feeling sorry for myself, and feeling sorry for myself. Don’t worry he knew he wasn’t risking my life. It wasn’t like I was prepared to jump in front of the next bus rolling down the road.
I think what he meant is that I had choices, but I wasn’t giving myself the permission to exercise them. In order to move forward I would have to figure out what made me happy, and then just go with it. There was just one big problem I was depressed. How can I expected to find out what makes me happy when all I wanted to do is watch crappy TV, and sleep all day?
I have good and bad qualities just like everyone else, but one of my good qualities is that I am not a ‘Yeah But Person’, which means if someone gives me an idea or suggestion I don’t immediately shoot them down with a ‘yeah, but…’ response. I take in the advice, filter it, and then come up with my own conclusion, which leads to an outcome that either works for me, or it doesn’t.
When my good doctor said what he said I could feel my eyes getting big because I thought, ‘How did he know that I wasn’t living?’ I walked away knowing that I would have to come up with a plan for my life so I will be able to feel better in my own skin.
My problem is I rely too much on other people to make me happy. I hate being alone. I am just an acquaintance to myself; thus watching crappy TV is much better than making small talk with myself.
I have finally decided to live for real and for true, which means that I must find myself. I don’t know if I am going to like this part, or find it painful. To be completely honest I have been surviving for so long that I have to idea how to live.
You know that old saying: If you stuck a piece a coal up someone’s ass in two weeks you would have a diamond; they are that uptight. Well that is me. I just need to find a lot of coal and I would be rich.
It is time to restructure, revamp, and have faith. I will keep you up-to-date on my progress.
1 comment:
Hear that sister. Going through same process here. What do I really want, is what I have going on getting me to that place or holding me back. And by the way...Who am I, REALLY??!! Do I like myself, what do I need to change and finally how the heck will I do it. HA! and I thought I needed a Career change...LOL
hugs always
C
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