PERIOD.

I am lucky enough to be visited by a ‘guest’. (I am using the word guest because this is a public blog, but you should know that in private I use a less flattering descriptive name for my ‘guest’.) For the first 20 years she came every 4 weeks. She was courteous; she wasn’t that much pain to host. Our arrangement for the most part was okay. Besides I didn’t have a choice, because the arrangement was, and is still as iron-clad as a deal with the mafia. There is only one way to get out… (Or I can go through menopause either way it’s a tough deal to break.)

Wait a minute that’s not true I could take birth-control pills to keep her away! But alas I am on medication that doesn’t jive with birth control pills, so it’s a no go for me. But if I could, I would. I would not take the pills that would give me a ‘fake-3-day-guest’ to host. I would take the pills that kept everyone away! I would pay extra for those pills.

Birth control pills were originally manufactured to skip periods all together. But women freaked out, and thought they were pregnant when they didn’t get their period. Because of that; the manufactures were forced to give women a fake period to ease their minds. Good going ladies!

Lately my ‘guest’ is very grouchy when she comes for her visit. She is coming when ever she feels like it; every 10 days, maybe, every 5 weeks- maybe 6. It’s up to her. Nowadays when she does show up she causes havoc; her visits makes me cry. She is a pain in the…you know. The pain I go through is unbearable. I take painkiller after painkiller just to get through her stay. It’s not working. She is winning. Plus she likes to stay longer than usual. What doesn’t she have anywhere else to go?

In fact she is visiting as we speak. I have heating pads, and I am taking Advil to ease the pain. I even have a peppermint candle burning to relax me; so far no change in pain.

I am 35 years old. In the last few weeks I am noticing that I at night I starting to wake up sweaty, when this happens I decide the best way to solve my problem is to give David ALL of the covers. But I then since I have no covers I wake up freezing; then I have to take ALL of the covers away from David. (He looks too hot anyway.)

This has been going on for a few weeks off and on. I mentioned this new development to David, and he said that he has been having night sweats too. Weird. Hmmm…Maybe it’s nothing to worry about.

(Just to be safe I made an appointment with my doctor.)

It’s starting to hit me; what if I am getting old? Last night I had to cater to my ‘guest’s’ every ridiculous, painful whim. My body felt heavy, and I was tired to say the least. I sat down in my chair very slowly, and instantaneously I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I said, ‘I think I have a feeling what it’s going to be like when I get old.’ Then I added for good measure, ‘Maybe I am already old.’

My 12 year old daughter piped up and said, ‘Mom, you’re not old! …Yet.’

‘I heard you say ‘yet’!’

‘Well Mom you’re going to get old soon.’

Ouch. I don’t know what is worse my ‘guest’ erratic behaviour, or reality?

Oh yeah, and another thing I forgot to mention is my ‘guest’ makes me crave the crappy-not-good-for-me-food: onion rings, French fries, cheese burgers, chilli dogs, cookies, brownies, candy, and expensive chocolate (but I will eat cheap chocolate in a pinch).

This is especially difficult this visit, because I am 5 days into my sugar-free recovery program. I haven’t given in to temptation, and I know that I won’t, because I am too stubborn.

Give me cramps, make me cry, make my legs feel heavy, I can handle the back pain, and a head ache. I will not give into your temptations, because I want a tummy tuck! PERIOD.